Does the inertia of a body depend on its fructose-content?
2nd place in Derby #202: Anthropomorphic Food, with 912 votes!
It’s a simple equation, people. But apparently 68% of you can’t figure it out. So let’s try again from the top. E=mc², where E is your fat butt, M is the amount of calories you’re taking in, and C is the square root of the hours you spend in front of a screen of some kind. Mmmkay? Now-
“Mr. Laneau?”
Yes, Franklin.
“I don’t appreciate you perpetuating unattainable body image ideals onto me. This is discriminatory.”
Franklin, you misunderstand. I’m not saying you can’t be beautiful. I’m not saying you’re less of a person if you’re fat. I’m saying you’re committing a very slow suicide and if you WANT a high quality of life, if you WANT to live long and be healthy, you need to change some habits.
“But I don’t think a diet is a high quality of life for me personally.”
You’re probably thinking of fad diets like Atkins or some other similar nonsense. No, I mean a “diet” as in “knowing what you are shoveling into your cake hole.” If you WANT to eat a sleeve of Thin Mints, fine. But just know that you’re packing on more calories and saturated fat than you could physically burn in a day. People aren’t supposed to idly nibble on sugar all day, Franklin. You can eat it, but make it a reward or an occasional snack. Don’t start your day with a bowl full of Froot Loops and expect to feel good later.
“But Mr. Laneau?”
YES, Franklin?
“I don’t care.”
You don’t care about what?
“About living longer and feeling ‘better,’ whatever that means. You can’t say for certain I would feel any better than I do right now sucking down this Pepsi. And I feel like what you’re doing here and now is preaching Socialism.”
So attempting to help you lead a healthier, longer-lasting life makes me a godless Socialist?
“Yep.”
Do you even know what that word means?
“I know that the people on TV say it’s bad.”
Wear this shirt: While recording your thoughts for posterity.
Don’t wear this shirt: While working on your project in Manhattan.
This shirt tells the world: “I have no problem converting energy into mass. Hand me those Oreos.”
We call this color: Square of the Asphaltean norm
Back to top
