Because the ethics board doesn’t find it funny at all.

Look, Dr. Svarzbein, I know you’ve spent a lot of time off campus grounds with your most recent dig, and we’re worried it’s changed your perspective a bit. Well, for instance, we’re worried that you placed the scientific discovery of this skull below the, and I’m quoting here, “hilariously dope gold toof, yo.”

Do you even have anything to say for yourself? What could possibly have been your logic here? Yes, yes, “it’s awesome.” You mentioned that before. But in your quest for “awesome,” you’ve defaced and rendered scientifically useless a perfect skeletal specimen of Smilodon fatalis.

Not only does this university have a duty to the paleozoological community, we also have a certain reputation to uphold. Attracting mouth-breathing hillbillies and racist stereotypes by doctoring up specimens with gold teeth does not reinforce the image we wish to maintain. Now what do you propose we do to rectify this situation?

No, Dr. Svarzbein, I don’t think the Carcharodontosaurus saharicus skeleton needs a pimp cup.

Wear this shirt: In Nashville. They go for that sort of thing.

Don’t wear this shirt: Past the Lujanian stage of the Pleistocene era. It’s kind of like wearing white after Labor Day.

This shirt tells the world: “Why, yes, I can open my jaw 120 degrees. Why does everyone ask me that?”

We call this color: Asphalt the Jewelry Store and Tell ‘em Make Me a Grill

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