Thank you, game controllers. Thank you for giving us the mastery over our video lives that we always lacked in our real ones. Thank you for abetting our crippling addiction, driving us further into pixel-based simulacra and away from the dwindling pool of people who actually care about us. Thank you for stealing our youth and despoiling our innocence as surely as the crackhead's pipe. We've loved every nerve-compressing minute of it.

This shirt was designed by: MJ, proprietress of Compete-Tee-Tion, a blog dedicated to letting t-shirt designers know where, how, and to whom they can sell their designs. Clearly, the lady knows her bidness.

Wear this shirt to: win some bets by challenging your fellow geeks to name the systems of origin for every controller.

Don't wear this shirt to: a sanitarium for recuperating sufferers of carpal tunnel syndrome.

This shirt tells the world: "Hey, guys, get me: I'm a control freak! Haw haw!"

We call this color: Original Joystick Black.

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