NSFW (Not Safe For Whales)
2nd place in Derby #118: Visual Puns, with 1103 votes!
PETER, A BOY FROM NANTUCKET: A whale! I’ve sighted a whale! Aye, there’s her spout now! Just off the port bow! A whale, boys, a whaaale!
CAPTAIN BALZAC: Make haste, ye lazy dogs! Ye heard the boy! An extra ration of whiskey for the hand that kills the whale! Stand by the braces! Man the boats! Say, what kind of a whale be she, lad?
PETER: Uh… you know.
CAPTAIN BALZAC: I surely don’t, lad. You’re in the crow’s-nest; you tell me.
PETER: It’s, uh… that is… It’s a…
CAPTAIN BALZAC: Right whale? Pilot? Humpback?
PETER: Sp… a sp… It’s a sp…
CAPTAIN BALZAC: Oh, for the love of Mary, lad, sperm. Sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm. You’ll never make it in this business if ye’re embarrassed to say “sperm.”
PETER: Aye, cap’n.
CAPTAIN BALZAC: That’s just what they’re called. Sperm whales. It’s a perfectly innocent name. Let’s hear ye say it.
PETER: Uh, right now, cap’n?
CAPTAIN BALZAC: Yes, now! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Spit it out!
PETER: Sp-spit it out?
CAPTAIN BALZAC: SPERM! SPERM! Land sakes, boy, how old are you? What kind of seaman do you expect to make?
PETER: I beg your pardon, sir?
CAPTAIN BALZAC: WHAT KIND OF SEAMAN WILL YOU MAKE?
PETER: I’m not, uh… sure. Are there many different kinds?
CAPTAIN BALZAC: What, are ye afraid to become a sailor? Ashamed of the sailor’s life? Worried what your folks will think if ye come home with a salty mouth?
PETER: Uh, maybe you're right, sir. Could you guys just drop me off at Nantucket? I think I've had my fill of seamen for one lifetime.
FIRST MATE CHISHOLM: Captain, the whaleboats are ready! Are you coming?
CAPTAIN BALZAC: No, but I sure am excited!
Wear this shirt: sailing, sailing.
Don’t wear this shirt: as part of a cetacean-themed outfit that incorporates an exposed “whale tail.”
This shirt tells the world: “Heh! Heh! ‘Sperm.’ Heh!”
We call this color: Salty Asphalty
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