clank PSSSSSSHHHT groaaaaan clank
Let’s see some Steamwork, people! There’s no I in “steam!”
There are a lot of people out there hawking a lot of different schemes that they say will get you where you want to go. “Build relationships,” they’ll say, or “work smarter, not harder,” or “first, decide what it is you really want.” And it sort of seems like they must know what they’re talking about, because aren’t they successful themselves? Don’t they have trophy spouses and expensive haircuts and mansions on the coast? Surely they’re in possession of some secret system for achieving one’s dreams!
Well, yeah, they’ve got a system. Their system is selling hope to schmucks like you. Their seminars, their self-help books, their crazy diets and exercise plans? That stuff doesn’t help you. It helps them. Every time a loser like you plunks down another twenty-five bucks for another motivational DVD, these hopemongers get that much richer. Isn’t it obvious? Their success—the very thing that inspired your confidence in them to begin with—comes at your expense, sucker.
Let’s be honest here. There is no easy method to achieve your dreams. It takes hard work, dedication, long hours, and lots of sacrifice. Now, that’s not to say there aren’t a variety of ways you could go about it. Maybe there are. Maybe different approaches work better for different people. I don’t know about that. What I do know is that there’s one time-tested, proven method with guaranteed results that anyone—anyone—can use to achieve his goals.
And that’s to build a giant, soulless robot, powerful enough to crush automobiles in his enormous jaws, and engineer him to do your bidding.
It isn’t quick and it isn’t easy, but just try it and see how many more things go your way when you’ve got a thirty-foot man-killer made of steel backing you up!
Wear this shirt: when it’s too hot for that outfit you like with the waistcoat and the frilled dickey and the diving helmet and the welder’s gloves.
Don’t wear this shirt: while practicing metallurgy. Woot tees offer little to no protection against molten metals!
This shirt tells the world: “Soon… very soon… all this will be mine.”
We call this color: Brown With Age.
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