... hard to believe they're actually heartless monsters.

Hello. I am Mary. I am the only human who has mastered the panda language. I have been called “The Panda Whisperer.” I got that nickname when I was on the Ellen show. Then I had to dance for 34 minutes. It was terrible. Anyway, I want you to know that pandas are real d-bags. My research shows 64% of the pandas surveyed are at least slightly racist, perhaps in part because they’re drunk all the time. They don’t shoplift because of a dire financial situation - they shoplift because they love it. Most of them don’t make a new pot of coffee when they take the last cup. I realize that’s not as problematic as racism but it’s still worth mentioning. They snatched a Cam Newton touchdown football out of the hands of a toddler. Then they threw the football into a Dumpster. Didn’t even want the football. The won’t shut up about their workouts. Again, not as serious as taking a football from a child, but still very irritating behavior. Pandas are jerks. I hope this has been helpful.

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