2nd place in Derby #214: Double-Take Derby 14, with 629 votes!

Dearest brother,

I hope this letter finds you in good health. All is not well here on the front. The war against the cat rages on, and I must say, I don’t see myself being among the victorious.

My outlook was not always so grim. Early on, I even laughed as the enemy slowly conquered the apartment. Surely, he could not keep this up. Soon enough, he would deplete his rounds of meows and collapse with exhaustion, at which point I would be free to reclaim what was rightfully mine.

But now, four hours into the struggle, I myself am exhaustion’s sole victim. The cat’s vocal energy reserve seems to be infinite. In fact, there have been only two breaks in his incessant racket: first to claim the house plant as his personal toilet, and then again to throw up on my laptop which, in my initial naiveté, I had left open and unattended on the coffee table while cooking dinner. At all other moments, he has filled the air with his howls, each one like a dagger to my very soul.

I have but one final trick up my sleeve. I will not disclose it here (I fear the enemy may be intercepting and reading my correspondences) except to say that it comes in a can and rhymes with boona trish. If this weapon does not bring about peace, I have no choice but to concede defeat. If you do not hear from me again this week, you must assume the worst, in which case, please, give mother and father my love. And my cat. Somebody will have to take him when I’m gone.

Sincerely,

Daniel Mentz

Wear this shirt: when you’re watching the Hissstory Channel.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you prefer making your own shirts from scratch.

This shirt tells the world: “I’m feline a little sassy!”

We call this color: cRAARRRnberry

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