No, We Said To Make Sure There Were BATS On Hand
And then the hyenas and vultures get the cheap candy nobody wanted.
There’s a very specific order in the hunt. A savage beauty. Once one becomes familiar, it is easy to see where and how it begins.
Slowly, the females go out, one at a time and patiently. They find the herd and then take positions in the tall grass, downwind. Quickly noticed, of course, but their very scent petrifies the piñata with fear. Soon the hunters can see clearly which piñata is the weakest, and which piñata is likely to be filled with the very best candy. It is only then that they strike as one.
When the lionesses raise up, the herd becomes frightened. The piñata circle and block each others paths. The herd begins to split. All together, they would likely survive. But the piñata lack tactical reasoning, so soon they are hanging by a thread. And then, suddenly, the male lions arrive. They lack the grace of the lionesses, but their sheer weight and mass drag the most vulnerable piñata to the ground. Again and again they strike, taking turns. And then, the well-placed strike, and it is done. The prey is down.
Then the young appear, running playfully towards the carnage. The females keep them back for their own safety, for now, it is the job of the alpha to find the weakest point and tear in. The alpha lion shakes the open carcass between his jaws and candy goes flying. A sugar stick, a chocolate bar, maybe the occasional cookie or some pre-wrapped fruit snacks. The young and the females divide this up with relish but the alpha male pays them no mind. He digs, rends, tears to the very heart of the carcass for the only prize he could ever desire.
For it is he alone that possesses the rights to the finest trophy the piñata has to offer. The delicious candy-coated gum.
Wear this shirt: when you’re lion to yourself about how you don’t want any candy. Everybody wants candy. Everyone. Especially you.
Don’t wear this shirt: because it depicts animal cruelty. Honestly, how can we condone a representation of animals eating a representation of another animal? Have we no souls? You ask us, this place has been going downhill on a rocket ever since Amazon took over.
This shirt tells the world: “Eat too much candy and you’ll have to loosen your veldt.”
We call this color: Lemon Flavored Taffy
Back to top