Oh I’ll buckle your swash, alright.
1st place in Derby #200: The Silver Screen, with 876 votes!
“I’m seeking a fountain or a pearl or a kraken or something.”
“You’re Jack Sparrow!”
“Captain Jack Sparrow!”
Coming this summer.
“This is going to be a harrowing, death-defying adventure. I’ll need the frailest, pastiest Englishman I can find and whichever well-endowed ingenue is willing to basically model various corsets for a few hours.”
“I am a famous, somewhat respected, and hugely endowed Latina actress! Give me your corsets!”
“Wow, you actually agreed to this?”
“There weren’t any Marvel comic book movies in production.”
An amazing adventure. Sort of loosely based on an amusement park ride.
“Oh no, it’s that horrible mythical pirate lifted from real life that is feared above all others!”
“You mean Barbossa, of course. But no.”
“Is it a giant kraken thing?”
“No, but he’s probably got a pet one or something.”
“HOW MANY MYTHICAL PIRATES ARE THERE IN THIS STUPID UNIVERSE?! Who’s left? At this pace the next movie’s going to have me fighting some Swedes from The Pirate Bay!”
“Oh, they’re the most feared mythical pirates-”
Journey to the ends of the world.
“I’ve been to like, six ends of the world already.”
Danger waits at every turn.
“Didn’t we fight them already? Twice? I realize you’ve got some period-piece constraints, but come ON!”
And the star of the movie totally acts like he’s drunk, or high, maybe. And that’s seriously still a selling point for this movie.
“It’s a complete departure from my previous work in films like Blow and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and any time I talk out loud.”
This summer, in 3-D: Pirates of the Caribbean: Cursed at the Edge of a Pearl on a Tide in a Chest.
“We’ll be trotting out Keith Richards’ desiccated corpse for you to laugh at, too!”
Wear this shirt: While sailing the seven seas or Thousand Islands or whatever.
Don’t wear this shirt: Over your corset. LADIES DON’T GET CAST IN THESE MOVIES TO WEAR T-SHIRTS, MISSY!
This shirt tells the world: “Swashbuckler? I barely KNOW her!”
We call this color: EVERYBODY’S looking for the gold, WE’LL get the silver.
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