Once I dreamt I’d been called up to the Detroit Red Wings to start at forward. During the warm-up skate, I had a rare moment of dream-awareness where I went “oh, wait a minute. This is crazy. I’m not NHL material. I’ll get pulverized out here.” In other words: There has been a terrible mistake.

So I skated over to captain Steve Yzerman and shared my concerns, saying I’m sorry, but I obviously don’t belong out here, and I hate to leave you down a man, but I’ll be heading to the dressing room now to change back into street clothes and see you a little later from the nosebleed seats.

But Stevie, he reassured me. He said everybody feels that way before his first NHL game, and everything would be OK, and I was a good skater, and as long as I kept my head in the game I’d do fine.

And it totally worked. I thought “well, if future Hall-of-Famer Steve Yzerman thinks I belong here, then goldurn it, I must.” And as I skated a couple more laps, I looked up into the rafters of Joe Louis Arena and saw Chewbacca, who was hanging toilet paper up there as decoration for the Wookiee wedding that was scheduled as a pre-game event.

And even that didn’t phase me. Because my subconscious mind had very deviously tricked the last little piece of my conscious mind that had threatened to wake up and put an end to the whole weird show. And all it had needed to do was pretend to be Steve Yzerman.

So the moral of the story is if you find yourself in a situation for which you’re wholly unqualified and unprepared, don’t let anyone talk you out of bailing. Not even a three-time Stanley Cup winner*, a ten-time All-Star, a Conn Smythe and Selke trophy-winner, and the sixth-highest scorer in NHL history. Just say “there has been a terrible mistake,” and keep saying it until you find someone who agrees.

This shirt was designed by: that guy Andre Jordan, or as we call him around the office, Andre Jordan dot See Oh dot You Kay. He’s got a new book coming out, Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now, which won’t arrive in time to give as a Christmas present, but you can pre-order it from Amazon, anyway.

Wear this shirt: to astronaut selection, assuming you’re not one of our best and brightest.

Don’t wear this shirt: to astronaut selection, if you are one of our best and brightest. It’s a competitive program, and the way to distinguish yourself from the crowd is NOT to have a cutesy, self-deprecating t-shirt on.

This shirt tells the world: “[Name of your town], we have a problem.”

We call this color: Royal Blue SNAFU

*Not counting the 2008 one his name’s on as an exec.

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