Man, they try to ban death metal but they happily teach this play in schools? What’s wrong with people?

For real, a guy from Denmark sent to murder his stepfather by a ghost? A girlfriend who kills herself for reasons she doesn’t particularly want to share? Set this in Arkansas and the local D&D club’s going to jail, but bury it between the story of two underage Italian lovers and a tale of killing a legitimate head of state and suddenly, it’s okay! It’s a classic! Everybody have the first twenty pages finished by Friday for the pop quiz!

Stuff like Hamlet really drives home two major points. One, if “the powers that be” really wanted to make rap uninteresting to kids, they’d teach Jay-Z and Eminem in schools. And two, popular media has been all about sex and murder since the very first caveman killed a guy and hooked up with his widow. So take the lesson to heart, young writers. If you want to tell the story of some depressed semi-incestuous lunatics and their terrible terrible lives, don’t set it in a trailer park like they do on television. Set it in a castle and make them all spout poetry! And it’ll be hailed as the most mature thing you ever did!

Wear this shirt: in kids sizes. Teachers will say OH THAT’S SO INAPPROPRIATE before they lean in to read what’s on the shirt and then suddenly they’ll have to backpedal and it’ll be so great.

Don’t wear this shirt: in women’s sizes. Don’t you know the history of the classical theater tradition? The Bard was for men only, toots. Don’t blame us, blame England.

This shirt tells the world: “No longer mourn for me when I am dead/Than you shall hear the surly sullen bell/Give warning to the world that I am fled/From this vile world with vilest worms to dwell” SERIOUSLY THAT’S ONE FUZZY GUITAR AWAY FROM BEING A TRACK ON THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL

We call this color: It’s Bad Luck To Mention The Asphaltish Play

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