3rd place in Derby #146: Eyewitness History, with 655 votes!

Look, doll, you gotta understand. We’d been fighting for, what, four years straight? And we’d won! We beat ‘em! We not only opened up the modern age, we also set the standard for cool movies, musicals, books, heck, even video games, even though I don’t know what those are yet! And after four years of creating history, well, a guy’s memory kinda goes a little bad.

Remember how you promised you’d be wearing that dress when I stepped off the boat? Well, all I’ve been thinking about is you in that dress, honest, for four years! And when I got back from that unprecedented four years of war, thinking of nothing but you the entire time, I saw a person I thought was you, and ran over and…

What? Social embarrassment? Oh, baby, don’t worry. Who’s gonna know? I’m sure that none of your friends, their friends, their children, their grandchildren, and hundreds of millions of people down through the years will ever see the photo that guy took. In this crowd? Come on.

Wear this shirt: when you’re celebrating how great it is to be done with a difficult task. Like changing the batteries in the smoke detector. Are you kidding, that thing’s all the way up on the roof! You gotta stand on a chair and everything!

Don’t wear this shirt: when proposing. Kinda sends a double meaning.

This shirt tells the world: “Mmmmmmmmmmph.”

We call this color: Any Other Day It Would Have Been Sexual Asphalt But That Particular Day Was Kinda Special

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