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UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,

Plaintiff

-vs-

THE DOCTOR MEDICAL GROUP

Defendants

C.R. NO. S26S9Ep802BBC

TRIAL TRANSCRIPT

Novembuary 34, 2015

Before: Alice Crèmetee, Judge

And a Jury

DIRECT EXAMINATION BY MR. CRUNCH, ESQ

Q. Please state your full name.

A. I can’t do that.

Q. You’re saying you are unwilling to provide The Court with your name?

A. It would cause a great deal of complication.

Q. What may I call you, then?

A. Doctor.

Q. Ah, yes, that is why you’re here, isn’t it? The malpractice allegations?

A. I suppose so.

Q. Fine. How long have you been a practicing doctor?

NOTE: Mr. Crunch does air quotes and rolls eyes at the jury.

A. Which one of me?

Q. I’m sorry?

A. I mean, in my current iteration, I’ve been practicing since -

Q. Let’s just go with the total.

A. Ah, okay. Then basically as long as time.

Q. Where did you earn your medical degree?

A. Mine is an informal education.

Q. So you’re an autodidact?

A. What I do in the bedroom is - er, I see what you mean. Yes.

Q. What made you believe you were qualified to provide medical treatment?

A. Sometimes I’ve got great hair.

Q. No further questions.

JUDGE CRÈMETEE: Does the jury have a verdict?

Jury: EXONERATE. EXONERATE.

JUDGE CRÈMETEE: Very well. You’re free to go, Mr. Doctor.

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