We’ve come up with the perfect storm of marketing demographics.

Gentlemen, the data have come back. Kids today love musical productions, and the suburbs love “urban” themes that don’t focus on anything too gritty or realistic or threatening. We need an excuse for our young, lithe, female lead to be scantily-clad, jiggling, and glistening if at all possible, so we’re going with a dance picture. Think Step Up 2 the Streets, but safer. See if we can get Hannah Montana on board. What? Damn! Okay, who hasn’t scandalized themselves lately? Is Dakota Fanning pubescent yet? Perfect.

Second, we’re getting a lot of data saying people are clamoring for another Nintendo advertising vehicle. Turns out people were left wanting a lot more after that Bob Hoskins performance. I’m telling you, Valenti, the focus groups don’t lie! Now obviously Hoskins isn’t quite the draw he used to be in the 16-28 female demographic, so we need a newer, hipper star for the Mario part. I think Robert Pattinson’s got this in the bag.

Now the villain’s got to be someone with the charisma of Dennis Hopper and the dance skills of Katherine Dunham. Also, we need some, uh, diversity. Let’s look at Tristan Wilds. Okay, guys, this is officially a green light and I want everybody’s full attention on it. Based on the marketing data we can conservatively project a $3 billion opening weekend! Now let’s-

Valenti, for the last time, I KNOW IT’S GOOD BECAUSE WHEN YOU PUT TWO THINGS PEOPLE LIKE TOGETHER IT HAS TO BE DOUBLY-LIKED!

Wear this shirt: To your dance battle at the gaming convention.

Don’t wear this shirt: To level 1-2. Seriously. There’s a warp zone! You can even cheat and skip to the Minus World.

This shirt tells the world: “We’ve got absolutely no common ground whatsoever.”

We call this color: Hip Hop Heather Gray

Back to top