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TO: Supreme Veggie Command

RE: Operation Carrot Spear

The lagomorphs are dying in huge numbers under our unrelenting assault. It turns out they scream in extreme distress, which some members of our forces find alarming. (Others, having seen Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom in reruns, were prepared for this.)

A rabbit is a devious foe, not above espionage and disinformation campaigns. Several times we have found counterfeit “Duck Season” signs posted on the battlefield, intended, I assume, to undermine our confidence in the legality of the mass rabbit killing that must be done.

I am sure such ruses will not deter our fighters, as we are not engaged in seasonal sport hunting, but instead a struggle for our very existence. The rabbit is an insatiable devourer, and his numbers must be reduced by any means available.

One thing gives me pause, though. It seems no matter how many we destroy, there is always another litter, and another. Sirs, it’s true: The enemy breeds like—well, you know.

Wear this shirt: in support of the underdog—in this case, a veggie dog.

Don’t wear this shirt: while hopping down the bunny trail.

This shirt tells the world: “Remember Australia!”

We call this color: Heliogabalus’ Grass

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