Hello, I am an old lady. I am an old lady and definitely not a wolf.

I have a walker and bifocals and a broad snout, because I am an old lady, and as I mentioned before, decidedly not a wolf.

I like to play bridge and knit and mark my territory, because - and I cannot stress this enough - I am an old lady, and very much not a wolf.

I have osteoporosis and arthritis and teeth designed to crush muskoxen bones because I am an old lady and continue to not be a wolf, which I think I mentioned earlier.

I have white hair and aged skin and many apocrine sweat glands on my face, back and toes because I am an old lady, and “old lady” is not synonymous with “wolf.”

Would you like some Werther’s Originals? I keep them in my massive purse, which is an old lady thing to do, and very much not the behavior of a wolf, because wolves prefer caribou and golly, I do not!

That sound you just heard was my elderly stomach growling and not the modulated nasal 150Hz howl of a wolf, which is not what I am, because how could I be? I am an old lady.

Thank you for taking the time to chat with me, an old lady. You were delicious. I mean gracious. I mean old lady.

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