1st place in Derby #245: Poetry Illustrated, with 861 votes!
Subject: RE: thoughts on new poem (“Tyger”)
Oh man, I’m so sorry it took me so long to get back to you on this. I really loved the poem but I do have some critiques. I’ll go through it, stanza by stanza:
1st stanza – Wait, does “eye” seriously rhyme with “symmetry”? The only way I could get it to work was by saying it in the Cartman voice (“respect my authori-tye!”). Did you mean it like that? If so, LOL!!!
2nd stanza – This one looked good. Just need to say, “What the hand dare sieze the fire?” The dumb hand, amirite?? Seriously, that stuff hurts!!
3rd Stanza – Question here: “Dread hand” and “dread feet”? Is that related to “dreadlocks”? Like, knotty and not washed in a while? You should explain that.
4th Stanza – “What the hammer? what the chain?” Bro, it’s poetry. You don’t have to censor yourself. You can use the f-word if you want. You don’t have to replace it with “hammer” or “chain.” In fact, it kinda makes you look a little juvenile. Just sayin’!
5th Stanza – Great twist with “Did he who made the Lamb make thee?” I seriously had no idea this poem took place in a Greek restaurant until this line!
6th Stanza – OMG, I can’t believe I missed this until now. It’s spelled “tiger” with an i, not a y, bro. Seriously, you gotta work on your proofreading!
Anyway, I think this could be a totally bangin’ poem with just a few tweaks! Let me know if you need any more advice!
Lordy G. Gordy Byron
Wear this shirt: if you’re a flirt.
Don’t wear this shirt: while rolling in the dirt.
This shirt tells the world: “Once upon time, poems did rhyme!”
We call this color: black. Oh look, a cruller!
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