Unicorns: Magical horned creatures of sunshine and light. But under the sparkles and the flowing white mane, what dark secrets are they hiding?

I’ve been warning people for YEARS, I tell you. You simply can not trust something that puts on such a perfect front. Oh, sure, when the cameras are running, unicorns are just SO glorious, aren’t they? So whimsical and fancy-free. But the moment the spotlight is off, the darkness takes over.

Didn’t you hear about what happened to that herd of Pegasus? You don’t think it’s weird that a group of unicorns just happened to be in the area when it happened? No? Well, what about what happened to that nice Narwhal family? You think it’s just a coincidence they had their horns broken off when the police found them? Heh. And they call ME crazy.

And now this. Guess they just couldn’t see fit to share a rainbow or two with the leprechauns. Now do you believe me? Now do you see? They aren’t wonders at all! The unicorns are savage, feral beasts of fury who care about nothing but power, and will stop at NOTHING to stay at the top of the Mythical Creatures list.

Wear this shirt: at the end of the rainbow.

Don’t wear this shirt: into a bar on St. Patrick’s Day.

This shirt tells the world: “Never trust a big horn and a smile.”

We call this color: Unlucky Kelly Green

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