London or Tokyo or New York on ten dollars a day? Big deal. Try St. Louis on zero dollars a day.

Saturdays are free sample days at the supermarket, so that takes care of meals for the weekend. For breakfasts, I just pretend like I’m interested in buying a car. Four donuts and three cups of coffee later, I’m on my way. I know exactly when the various religious congregations in my area will hold functions with free refreshments. And if you want to live my way, you absolutely have to take full advantage of all the free stuff at fast-food joints.

Find a good food mall court for one-stop shopping. Napkins, sporks, hot sauce, parmesan, salt, pepper, mayonnaise – with the right recipes, you can eat for a week on what you can cram in your coat pockets. (Don’t knock the idea of ketchup-tartar sauce bisque until you’ve tried it.) Sure, that stuff is for suckers – er, I mean, paying customers – but nobody’s gonna look twice during lunch rush.

Wear this shirt: to let people know you’re not the kind of rube who pays money for food.

Don’t wear this shirt: on your commando raids of the condiment bar.

This shirt tells the world: “If they didn’t want me taking this stuff, they wouldn’t put it right out here for free.”

We call this color: I Once Survived An Entire Week On Nothing But Little Plastic Cups Of Flavored Non-Dairy Creamer From QuikTrip.

Back to top