3rd place in Derby #205: Mexico, with 727 votes!
“In local news, an area fifth grader is undertaking an inspiring project in the face of staggering adversity. Trish Pendlebronque has the story. Trish?”
“Susan, I’m here at St. Rudy’s Children’s Hospital, where eleven-year-old Billy Dan Fahrt has been confined to a bed for several weeks with acute obesity. Now, a lot of kids in Billy Dan’s situation might give up hope—but not this brave youngster.”
“AH WAN NUDDA BREE-TOE!”
“That’s Bily Dan now, proclaiming for all to hear that he hasn’t given up yet. Far from it.”
“DON’ WAN FROO SALAD! WAN BREE-TOE!”
“Though he’s only in the fifth grade, Billy Dan weighs as much as some defensive linemen in the NFL. It’s a struggle for him to do some of the most basic tasks, like climbing a stair, or taking two deep breaths consecutively. But Billy Dan has vowed not to let his condition keep him from what he loves doing the most: Eating burritos. I spoke to him earlier today.”
[Taped interview]
“Billy Dan, have people ever told you you can’t do this thing or that thing because of your medical situation?”
“DOCKA ALWAYS TELLIN MEEDA EAT FROO SALAD FLUNCH! DON’ WAN FROO SALAD! WAN BREE-TOE!”
“How does that make you feel?”
“FEELIN’ HAWNGRY! AHM HAWNGRY! WAN BREE-TOE!”
“And so what do you say to people like your doctors, who say ‘oh, he can’t eat burritos, he’s dangerously overweight, he’s not like other kids?’”
“GIMME BREE-TOE! BREEEEE-TOOOOEEE!”
[End taped interview]
“There you have it, Susan. Billy Dan Fahrt knows what he wants from life, and isn’t letting his medical condition keep him from achieving it. In fact, he has vowed to spread his message of hope by folding up 5,000 burritos by the end of the year. He’s already made over 800.”
“That’s amazing, Trish. Any chance we could see some of those burritos he’s made?”
“Oh, no, Billy Dan has eaten them all. He eats them immediately upon their completion.”
“A truly inspiring story of perseverance and hope, Trish. Thanks.”
“Thank you, Susan.”
“WAN BREE-TOE!”
Wear this shirt: to that new Japanese/Mexican fusion place, Tacosaka. We hear it’s great.
Don’t wear this shirt: to that new Scottish/Scandinavian ice cream place, Häaggis-Dazs. We hear it’s not.
This shirt tells the world: “¡Origami-yi-yi!”
We call this color: Brown Over Medium Heat, Stirring Until Meat Achieves A Crumbly Consistency, Then Drain Excess Grease
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