Dear Shirt.Woot: I can’t believe, in this day and age, that you think it’s acceptable to laugh at toucanface.

I thought by now that everyone understood the vicious history and hurtful connotations of toucanface minstrelsy. And then I’m smacked in my oversized beak with this hateful image.

It’s not bad enough that we have to dance around to sell your Froot Loops? We’re from Central and South America, you know. WHY WOULD WE HAVE BRITISH ACCENTS?

Toucans have as good a sense of humor as any other neotropical arboreal birds, but this shocking attack is a joke too far. You’ve just lost my business, and that of my fellow toucans. We’re sick of waiting for you to offer shirts in bird sizes anyway.

Wear this shirt: if you can fit it on around your massive nose.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you’re wondering how the penguin will keep his skin from drying out when he’s pretending to be a toucan. Don’t overthink it.

This shirt tells the world: “You know what they say about birds with big beaks.”

We call this color: No, Seriously, There Is Such A Thing As A Lemon-Rumped Toucan.

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