Things to remember when dealing with a patient suffering from an acute case of Killer-Whale-On-Head (KWOH):

- If taking patient’s weight, be sure to subtract 9 tons from the number on the scale.

- KWOH is not genetic, although it is particularly common in patients diagnosed with Intense Sea-Life Provocation Syndrome (ISLPS).

- KWOH can have serious debilitating effects on the patient’s body. Keep this in mind when asking the patient to do things, as many seemingly simple tasks may be impossible. For example it would be inappropriate to ask a KWOH patient to sit down, or duck through a doorway, or take that giant whale off his or her head.

- It can be frustrating to deal with KWOH sufferers, especially because it is nearly impossible to hear what they’re saying through all that whale. However, it’s important to remain polite and courteous at all times, because the patient most likely did not ask for a whale to latch on to his or her head, and therefore is just as frustrated as you are.

- However, if it is discovered that a patient has asked for the whale to latch on to her head, don’t worry about being polite and courteous, because you’re dealing with a sick and terrible person.

Wear this shirt: if being a flightless bird who’s been attacked by a toothed member of the oceanic dolphin family seems like an apt metaphor for your life.

Don’t wear this shirt: because some over-sensitive penguin-hugger might see it and start to blubber.

This shirt tells the world: “Call me ‘It’s-a-meal.’”

We call this color: Baby Blue-ga.

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