Forget that “One Two Three Crunch” crap. They’re stone-cold.

Yeah, you grow up being fed anti-owl propaganda in nursery rhymes. “Oh, Mr. Owl is so wise and distant! Like Gandhi, except a bird! How glorious and well-bred he is, truly the Merlin of birds!” Well, first of all, this is the Merlin of birds, and second, the owl isn’t some peaceful old scholar. The owl is the Mafia don, sitting with one eye open, biding his time and serving his vengeance cold.

Don’t believe it? Okay, did you know the Aztecs took the owl as a symbol of death and destruction? That’s right, the Aztecs. The people who made temples designed to facilitate waterfalls of blood. The people who played this weird arena sport that was a little like basketball except they killed each other as part of the game. The people who wrote poetry to the god of war. Those Aztecs. And they took one look at the owl and said “Oh, yeah, he’s a killer, all right.” What more of a recommendation do you need? That’s like Miles Davis saying “Hey, that guy should play the trumpet!”

So put on this shirt. Stare the skeptics in the eye when they take the owl for granted. And then, at night, when they’re safe in their burrow, you come sweeping in with a loud cry and BREAK THEIR BACK WITH PHYSICS THEN DEVOUR THEIR HEADS AND LEAVE THE BONES IN A PELLET MADE FROM THEIR FUR. AS A WARNING.

Seriously. Owls aren’t Gandhi. They’re John Wayne Gacy.

Wear this shirt: with a group of people, when going to see George Clinton.

Don’t wear this shirt: in all the owl’d familiar places.

This shirt tells the world: “Here’s your chance to make owl puns! Don’t be shy, I can’t get enough of them!”

We call this color: Grassy Kn-owl? Ha Ha, That’s Terrific! Great Job!

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