Don We Now Our Ugly Apparel
Nothing quite drives home the anti-climatic nature of the holidays quite like a shirt specifically designed to be awful.
Aw, honey, is this package for me? Why what ever could be in this small, flat, rectangular box? Is this what I think it is? I have been hinting pretty hard about the only thing I really wanted this year. Guess I better rip it open and start playing with my new tab…
Shirt. It’s, um, a shirt! No, I love it! It’s… great. It’s not exactly what I thought it would be, but it’s lovely. Really lovely. ‘Cause who has enough shirts in their life, you know? I certainly don’t. I mean, obviously, because you wouldn’t have gotten me one if I didn’t need it. Sure, I wanted a tablet computer, but this is much more practical. Thanks. Really.
Huh? Unfold it, you say? Oh, I see! You hid it inside the shirt! That’s so clever, honey. Let’s just see…
Oh. It’s got a holiday sweater print on it. That’s the surprise. Wow. Just wow. No, I totally understand. I mean, who knows how long a tablet computer will last? Since I could only possibly wear this shirt for maybe a month out of the year, it’ll last nearly a lifetime. How very thoughtful. Well, thanks. I guess.
Hey, are those other five boxes for me? Oh, you are just AWFUL, honey! Tricking me with that silly shirt was naughty, babe. VERY naughty. Let’s just get these open!
Heh. This one’s a holiday sweater print shirt, too. And this one. And this one. AND this one. And THIS ONE is the same as the last one, but in long sleeves. You bought me the whole collection, did you? I simply don’t know what to say.
No, honey, I’m not crying because I’m sad. My eyes are just watering because I’m allergic to disappointment.
Wear this shirt: if you’ve “misplaced” the sweater Aunt Freeda knitted you last year. She probably won’t notice due to the dementia and all.
Don’t wear this shirt: if you think it’ll clash with the gift bow your mother insists on you putting in your hair after the first present is opened.
This shirt tells the world: “When do we get to the ‘Airing of Grievances’ part of the evening?”
We call this color: Brownsleeves
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