Of course, these over-the-counter paternity tests are not really intended for use on prehistoric monsters

I’ll never forget that day.

One minute I’m just rampaging, not a care in the world, and the next minute Ka-Lar the Grok-dan drops this bombshell on me. I was stunned. Of course, the Air Force was also literally dropping actual bombshells on me at the time. So probably it was the combination.

But yeah, it was a shock. It was like the bottom dropped out. Suddenly I knew how those commuters must have felt when I stomped open a crevasse in their HOV lane. It was like everything had turned upside-down. Like how everyone in that diner must have felt. You know, when I turned it upside-down.

I kind of couldn’t believe it. Pregnant? It was just that one time! Just one regrettable mistake. And now I was going to pay for it for the rest of my life. My lifespan, incidentally, has been prolonged by exposure to radiation. I might actually be immortal. So “the rest of my life” could be a long haul.

Who knew I was even reproductively compatible with a Grok-dan? I’d never even been a hundred per cent sure Ka-Lar was female, which is why I hadn’t told any of my friends about our hook-up. But they were sure going to find out now. I admit I was freaked out. I started looking for something good to smash. Like something with a historical marker on it.

But then I started thinking about it.

I started to imagine how different my life was going to be like in a year, or six months, or ten years, or however long a Grok-dan’s gestational period is. Down the line, I wasn’t just going to be Destructosaur, terrifying visitor from the deep. I was going to be “Daddy,” at least to one little monster. Or maybe eight little monsters. Or several hundred monster larvae. Or a toxic egg cluster. Or a sentient vapor. Mad science only knows what the heck Ka-Lar’s going to squeeze out, really.

Anyway, the more I pictured that, the more inclined I was to think maybe this wasn’t such bad news after all.

Yeah, that was the most important day of my life.

Well, actually it’s a tie: That day and the day the U.S. Navy’s secret undersea nuclear weapons testing program awakened me from a millennia-long slumber.

Wear this shirt: if you’re either A) obviously pregnant or B) obviously not pregnant.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you’re not pregnant, but you’ve got a body type that seems to inspire people to incorrectly assume you are, and they sometimes ask about it.

This shirt tells the world: “Who(and/or what)’s your daddy?”

We call this color: Oh, Look, It Has Your Kelly Green Scales

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