Ladies and gentlemen of the steakhouse, I stand before you no longer just a man, but a man exactly 160 ounces heavier than when I sat down. And though my heart may be beating slower and with a frightening irregularity right now, it beats with pride! For I am the first man to complete the 10 pound unicorn steak challenge!

They scoffed when I said I’d attempt it. Two people died trying it before me. But dammit I did it! And I even had a side salad and two Pepsis on top of it!

Let all who would dine here forever after know my name and the deed that was done here, to be surpassed only by the deed I will soon have to do in the mens room! Soon EVERYONE will-

“Sir?”

WHO DARES INTERRUPT THE UNICORN KING?!

“Sir, you haven’t completed the challenge.”

What? No, no. I ate 160 ounces of unicorn meat in under an hour! What more could be left?

“Sir, the challenge clearly states that you must eat the horn as well.”

The…the horn?

“Yes sir. The horn. The 66-inch long, chitinous, solid horn.”

Oh…okay then.

“You still have 14 minutes left, if you want to attempt it.”

And it’s meat?

“No sir. Solid bone. To be perfectly honest, we added it to the contest as sort of a poison pill to ensure no one would ever complete it. I understand if you want to walk away.”

...all these people staring…NO! Bring me the horn! I shall eat it the long way!

Wear this shirt: On your next trip to the Sizzler. Make ‘em impress you.

Don’t wear this shirt: Around any youngsters or naively-hopeful adults.

This shirt tells the world: “Is red meat still bad for you if it’s full of sparkles and rainbows?”

We call this color: A fleet-footed asphalt with a horn a cubit and a half in length

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