1st place in Derby #235: Dubious Honors, with 868 votes!
“And as the competitors take their places at the podium, let’s take a moment to reflect on the competition, shall we, Bob?”
Absolutely, Steve. As I said at the beginning of this event, it’s not just about the numbers, but also how much style you put into your resurrection. Clearly, the judges agreed with me today.
“Zombies were a popular favorite as we started, yet they’re going home in third place behind kitties. Are you surprised at all?”
Well, I think it’s about expectations. With any big time resurrection competition, you expect zombies to place well, especially against a species whose extra lives are metaphorical at best. In the end, I’d have to say that it was their popularity that hurt them most. The retching, the screams, the decomposition… The judges have seen all this again and again. I think their decision is a warning to zombies that monotony is not something that will earn you points here, Steve.
“And yet, the phoenix is still the big winner, even though its death and revival are basically the same.”
True, but it’s the way the phoenix dies that captivates the imagination of both judges and viewers alike. Again, it all comes back to style. Every year, the phoenix builds a new and unique pyre while singing a sorrowful song of mourning that’s more beautiful and heart-breaking than the last. It’s not just about visual of the flames engulfing the bird at the end of its life, but the narrative of that life that’s told just before death that causes a standing ovation when it rises from its own ashes every time. That artistry is what truly makes the phoenix a champion.
Wear this shirt: as you work to perfect a way of downloading your consciousness into a clone replica of yourself, thus cheating death.
Don’t wear this shirt: to a funeral, you tacky goof.
This shirt tells the world: “To be a winner, you’ve got to feel the burn.”
We call this color: Keeps Comin’ Black.
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