I wasn’t expecting just any old Animal Collective

Naw, that show was a bust, man. I went because I was under the impression Super Furry Animals were going to be there. But as it turns out, the headlining band was—yes, some animals, and they were indeed extremely furry—but no, they were not “Super Furry Animals.” The posters I saw were very misleading in that regard.

Ditto Modest Mouse. I mean, there were several mice there, most of whom were fairly retiring, but that’s just what mice are like. There’s no way the promoters didn’t break some truth-in-advertising laws on this one. I mean, sure, I guess you could say I saw the wrens, just like they promised. But not, you know, the Wrens. Which I’m sure they knew was what I expected. And at 4:00, on the main stage, I was under the impression I was going to see Deerhoof, not just some deer’s hoof. It was extremely disappointing. Fleet Foxes, Frightened Rabbit, same deal.

The one bright spot was an unscheduled grizzly bear appearance at the very end of the night. No, not the band “Grizzly Bear.” Just a grizzly bear. He killed and ate the mountain goats.

Wear this shirt: instead of a shirt with the band’s logo on it to the next show you attend. It’s not cool to wear a band’s t-shirt to their show; it makes you look like you’re trying too hard. You have to play it low-key. Didn’t you know?

Don’t wear this shirt: in the mud pits at your next all-day outdoor rock festival. First of all, no one with any self respect goes in the mud pits. Secondly, everyone knows the mud pits are meant to be experienced topless.

This shirt tells the world: “For those about to rock, molt, mate, burrow, or engage in any number of other natural behaviors (we salute you)”

We call this color: The Green Grass That Is Circulating Around Us Is Not Specifically Too Good

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