ESPN, eat your heart out.
1st place in Derby #120: Double-Take Derby 7, with 895 votes!
Oh how long you’ve laughed at us over here at Versus. “Sure, you can have NHL games, Versus! Nobody watches ‘em anyway!” You scoffed at us when we were OLN and ran 24-hour logging competition shows. Your “SportsCenter” re-runs at 2pm weekdays regularly outperform our brand new episodes of “Sports Soup.” You have NFL; we have UFL. Well we’ve been staring at your tail in the ratings long enough. It’s been 14 years of development, but our big guns are coming out just in time for Sweeps.
Bears. On. Freaking. ATVs.
Pick your jaw up off the floor; it’s unbecoming. Besides, I didn’t even get to the hook. Oh that’s right. Bears on ATVs is only half of this equation. See, they’re riding an obstacle course. That EXPLODES.
What do you mean, why? Because it’s AMAZING television, that’s why. Because our sponsors are going to stab each other in the TEETH fighting for airtime, that’s why. I’ll tell you something, this is going to put Versus on the map. We won’t even need that stupid Matt Iseman. I can finally sell him back to Clean House on HGTV. I’m going to miss you, ESPN, I really am. You were a worthy foe, but let’s be honest: this is an exploding ursine knife through the heart of your network. Peter? Who the hell is Peter? Oh, PETA. Oh…PETA.
Damn you ESPN.
Wear this shirt: At every waking moment of every day. The residual awesome may start to rub off on you.
Don’t wear this shirt: To a Supercross event. People are just going to get depressed when they realize the race is not going to be NEARLY as exciting as it should.
This shirt tells the world: There is not even a remote chance I am going to find you interesting.
We call this color: Burnt Bear Brown
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