What do you get when you combine inexplicable slang, cornball punnery, and an inside joke that’s more “inside” than “funny”? The holiday t-shirt that’s sure to have you declaring “I simply love this!” Cork soakers, star-nosed moles, and pineapple baskets alike will happily plunk down the extra five bucks to get this one in time for Christmas. If you have no idea what this paragraph or this shirt is all about, take our word for it: you’re far, far better off that way.

Wear this shirt: if every other garment you own has been lost in a burglary, fire, or laundering mishap, and you are unable to fashion crude clothing from scrap paper or animal hides.

Don’t wear this shirt: after December 25, unless you’re Eastern Orthodox, in which case you’ve got until January 6.

This shirt tells the world: “I woke up next to a dead clown!”

We call this color: What’s That Red Stuff In Your Beard?

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