The first step is admitting you have someone else’s property.

First they steal our shirts, then they steal our hearts. What is it about scofflaws that keeps us chasing after them? Oh yeah—because they’ve got our stuff. Well, the heart wants what it wants, we suppose, whether the heart can pay for it legitimately or not. With that in mind, we present:

Pick-Up Lines for Kleptomaniacs (and the People who Love Them)

01. Was your father a thief? Because I’m pretty sure those are my shoes you’re wearing.

02. Could I borrow a quarter? My mother told me to call her when I met the girl of my dreams. And also to call the police if I ever recognize the suspect from our home security video. So maybe two quarters, actually.

03. Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my dreams all night. Oh, wait, I didn’t mean “through my dreams,” I meant “from the mall security guy.”

04. Did it hurt? When you fell out of heaven? And landed inside the security fence at the long-term airport parking lot? And broke the window of my Chevy Aveo? And took my iPod and GPS?

05. Is that a package of shredded cheese, some magazines, a DVD copy of Elektra, and a two-liter of Mr. Pibb in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

Wear this shirt: with a mink stole. It’s cheaper than a mink purchased.

Don’t wear this shirt: anyplace where they still cut off hands. You know, like Somalia, or your high school shop classroom.

This shirt tells the world: “yoink!”

We call this color: Caught Red-Handed

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