Mr. President there is, a, ah, um, rather urgent matter requiring your immediate attention sir. It’s just that we seem to be under attack. No, not terrorists, we don’t think. Definitely not the Chinese. You’re right, sorry, I just would’ve been really impressed had you guessed it. Sir we seem to be under attack from Zombies. No sir that wouldn’t work, you see, as they’re also vampires. Well, again, I see where you’re going with that, but they are, in addition, robots. Well we don’t really know who made them because they seem to have come from space. You’re right, I should’ve just spit all that out at once.

Well, sir, we’re still not really sure what happens if you’re bitten. One might assume you would quickly succumb to the zombie infection and become a reanimated corpse, but it is possible you die and are reborn in seven days as a vampire. We have not ruled out that our attackers may have some sort of cyborg factory orbiting the planet that is reanimating corpses into half-man, half-machine warriors of doom. Who are also vampire zombies.

Well the good news is we do have a protocol for just such an event, actually. It was written during the previous administration. No sir, they just really enjoyed doomsday scenario planning. Anyway, this is a cyanide capsule. Well, according to protocol, you are supposed to chew it. Well I assume then you would die, sir. Well, and again I’m reading from protocol here sir, “What in the holy hell are we possibly going to do against Zombie Vampire Robots from Space?”

Wear this shirt: during First Contact. Show any visitors from another galaxy that you’re not impressed with just any aliens.

Don’t wear this shirt: during the Zombie Apocalypse. It’s going to get so messy you might just want to go shirtless.

This shirt tells the world: “Global warming is not the most menacing threat to Earth by a long shot.”

We call this color: Glen or Glenda Grey

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