2nd Place in Derby #379: 25k Cup, Round V: Naughty & Nice: Redux, with 195 votes!
So you’re the appointed human representative against a woodland uprising
Congratulations! Here are a few handy tips:
-Avoid cursing. Deer are sensitive to obscene language.
-Chipmunks are notoriously hostile, but only because they’re misunderstood. Diplomacy is the answer.
-Bring a pillow.
-If you encounter any cryptozoological creatures, refrain from staring. Respect beastly privacy.
-Observe all appropriate woodland rituals. Cover yourself in sap.
-Don’t fall in love.
-Curse a lot. Squirrels love dirty language.
-If negotiations go sour, threaten the woodland leadership with a plague and run for the awaiting helicopter.
-The shrews may attempt to set you on fire. Convince them that it’s a bad idea.
-In the event of espionage, bark can be used as an aphrodisiac.
-Feed the bears.