Survival of the Funnest

by Emily Kuznia


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  • Standard - Estimated delivery Apr 04 - Apr 07
  • Two-Day - Estimated delivery Mar 31
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No, We Said To Make Sure There Were BATS On Hand

And then the hyenas and vultures get the cheap candy nobody wanted.

There’s a very specific order in the hunt. A savage beauty. Once one becomes familiar, it is easy to see where and how it begins.

Slowly, the females go out, one at a time and patiently. They find the herd and then take positions in the tall grass, downwind. Quickly noticed, of course, but their very scent petrifies the piñata with fear. Soon the hunters can see clearly which piñata is the weakest, and which piñata is likely to be filled with the very best candy. It is only then that they strike as one.

When the lionesses raise up, the herd becomes frightened. The piñata circle and block each others paths. The herd begins to split. All together, they would likely survive. But the piñata lack tactical reasoning, so soon they are hanging by a thread. And then, suddenly, the male lions arrive. They lack the grace of the lionesses, but their sheer weight and mass drag the most vulnerable piñata to the ground. Again and again they strike, taking turns. And then, the well-placed strike, and it is done. The prey is down.

Then the young appear, running playfully towards the carnage. The females keep them back for their own safety, for now, it is the job of the alpha to find the weakest point and tear in. The alpha lion shakes the open carcass between his jaws and candy goes flying. A sugar stick, a chocolate bar, maybe the occasional cookie or some pre-wrapped fruit snacks. The young and the females divide this up with relish but the alpha male pays them no mind. He digs, rends, tears to the very heart of the carcass for the only prize he could ever desire.

For it is he alone that possesses the rights to the finest trophy the piñata has to offer. The delicious candy-coated gum.

Wear this shirt: when you’re lion to yourself about how you don’t want any candy. Everybody wants candy. Everyone. Especially you.

Don’t wear this shirt: because it depicts animal cruelty. Honestly, how can we condone a representation of animals eating a representation of another animal? Have we no souls? You ask us, this place has been going downhill on a rocket ever since Amazon took over.

This shirt tells the world: “Eat too much candy and you’ll have to loosen your veldt.”

We call this color: Lemon Flavored Taffy

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Pantone Colors:
White - 468C - 466C - 470C - 529C - 7441C

Standard Brand:

  • Standard fit (slightly boxy, a little loose)
  • Fiber Content: 4.5 oz 100% Combed Ringspun Cotton
  • Manufactured In: Honduras/Nicaragua
  • Printed In: Carrollton, Texas, USA

American Apparel:

  • Slimmer fit (if you like a looser fit, order one size up from your usual size)
  • Fiber Content: 4.3 oz 100% Combed Ringspun Cotton
  • Manufactured In: USA
  • Printed In: Carrollton, Texas, USA

Sizing Chart:
Please check our sizing chart before you order.

Sales Stats

Speed to First Woot:
1m 26.000s
First Sucker:
Last Wooter to Woot:

Purchaser Experience

  • 0% first woot
  • 95% second woot
  • 5% < 10 woots
  • 0% < 25 woots
  • 0% ≥ 25 woots

Purchaser Seniority

  • 9% joined today
  • 2% one week old
  • 3% one month old
  • 28% one year old
  • 56% > one year old

Quantity Breakdown

  • 95% bought 1
  • 4% bought 2
  • 1% bought 3 or more

Percentage of Sales Per Hour

12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Percentage of Sales Per Day

Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat Sun

Woots by State

zero wooters wootinglots of wooters wooting

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Survival of the Funnest by Emily Kuznia
$11.00 In Stock Apparel & Accessories
$11.00 $14.00 USD false 1 Retail EA
1 15
Woot! Shirt.Woot
4121 International Pkwy Carollton TX 75007 U.S.A.