1st place in Derby #222: Gadgets to Enhance Everyday Life, with 775 votes!

Jeez Harold! $1000? So you can see at night? This is a joke, right? You’re going to say that you borrowed those to play a joke on me, right? Please, tell me we are on some sort of candid camera show and the crew is about to jump out from behind a tree, and you’ll all have a laugh at my expense. Because I would prefer that. Because if that’s not the case, that means you borrowed money from me to buy something that’ll help you do something THAT YOU CAN ALREADY DO SIMPLY BY BELONGING TO THE SPECIES KNOWN AS “OWL!” So tell me, where are the cameras, Harold? There are none? Well, great. Just GREAT!

But you know what, this is my own fault. I should have known. As dumb as this is, it is amazingly not the stupidest thing you’ve ever bought. Not at all, in fact. And so when you asked for $1000 of my HARD-EARNED money to buy something you “absolutely needed,” I should have given it more thought. I should’ve said to myself, “Hold on, Bruce. Harold is your best friend, but he’s also the owl that buys plane tickets whenever he needs to fly somewhere. He’s also the owl that saved up for two weeks so that he could buy a mirror and some piping to rig up in the tree because he wanted to see what was behind him. This friend of yours is the same owl that bought one of those plastic owls because he wanted to scare other birds away.”

I should have remembered all this and refused your request, so I guess I have no one but myself to blame. Now, if you could hand over those goggles, which are rightfully mine, I’d like to use them. To hit myself over the head. Several times.

Wear this shirt: if once you were blind, but now you can see.

Don’t wear this shirt: to the owl-you-can-eat buffet.

This shirt tells the world: “I am wise beyond my years, but empty between the ears.”

We call this color: Navy blue? No! Navy-”who.”

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