One night only! The man of mystery! See The Great Emancipator!

Just one shiny penny gets you into the greatest show you’ll ever see! Watch as the mighty Abraham cuts a nation in half… and then puts it back together! Thrill to the way his uncanny powers make it seem fashionable to have a beard without a mustache! Did he learn in Tibet? In China? From the voodoo priests of New Orleans? Friends, he did all that and more!

He made logs into a toy! He put his face on a mountain! He’s The Great Emancipator, and he’s here today! Come in and see! And don’t forget, with every ticket you get a free viewing of Mary Todd, She-Devil of Kentucky! Don’t get too close, she’ll rip off your face! Come see The Great Emancipator! Step right up! Step right up!

Wear this shirt: to show you were an early supporter of President Zachary Taylor. He died just sixteen months into his term, too. So young. Like a political Kurt Cobain. Sigh.

Don’t wear this shirt: to the theater. Not because of the assassination thing, but because you really should look nice when you’re going to the theater.

This shirt tells the world: “I wanna reach out and grab ya. Forescore times.”

We call this color: A Sphalt Divided Against Itself Cannot Stand.

Back to top