3rd place in Derby #141: Classic Comics Style, with 561 votes!

We thought we were so clever, didn’t we? “No longer shall we hide,” we said. “No longer shall we cower in fear of the mega-lizards and the aliens, the giant apes and radioactive spiders. And do not get us started on those nasty robots from the most sinister reaches of space, the fiends. We’ve had just about enough of their shenanigans, as well.”

And so, we planned. We gathered the top minds of SCIENCE, put them all in a lab underneath a mountain, and hoped for a miracle. And when the inspiration for that miracle came in the form of an e-mail entitled “NEED MORE SIZE? GAIN INCHES FAST!!!”, we all breathed a slightly creeped-out sigh of relief.

Oh, the destruction! Oh, the super-sized humanity of it all! And when the last vestiges of B-movie horrors were finally squished into nothing, we were so proud of ourselves, weren’t we? We had won! Emerged victorious! Hooray, Hoorah!

But now that the dust has settled, we are left with this giant, this man made to defend us from the horrid creatures. How long until he realizes his power? How long until he realizes that no other power on Earth or Beyond can stop him? How long until we create even more giants of our own people to stop this one, and then what of them? Now that we have crossed the line between man and monster, how long until we are all, every one of us, just as evil as those beasts we needed salvation from?

Wear this shirt: on a date with the Fifty Foot Woman.

Don’t wear this shirt: on a day trip to Monster Island.

This shirt tells the world: “Size matters, buddy. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.”

We call this color: The Day The Red Stood Still

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