1st place in Derby #161:Double-Take Derby 10, with 1152 votes!

You wanna know a secret? You don’t live longer by denying yourself earthly pleasures. Life just SEEMS longer that way. And what’s more enjoyable than saturated fat and processed sugars? Nothin’, that’s what.

So put down those peaches and pick up some Reese’s Pieces. Drop the broccoli for a burger; don’t forget the ammonia, either. And lose the salad for some sausage.

Life is not too short. Life is long. It goes on and on and on and it constantly wears and grinds and beats you down into dust until one day your body just says, “You know what? Screw this,” and conks out on you. So why spend that interminable time counting calories and watching your fiber intake and not spooning hamburger grease over your Froot Loops (don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it) and washing the whole thing down with a two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew?

Besides, plants are living things. We don’t feel right harming other creatures unless they’re domesticated and stupid.

Wear this shirt: To Arby’s. You might score a free Roast Beef ‘n Cheddar. Not because of the shirt; Arby’s just has to give their crappy food away sometimes to keep people interested.

Don’t wear this shirt: In some pathetic attempt to be a cutesy vegetarian. You’re mixing your messages.

This shirt tells the world: “You can put button eyes and a cute mouth on literally anything and I will buy it. Seriously. Button-eyed dog turd? How much you want for it?”

We call this color: Grass-Fed

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