2nd place in Derby #220: HalloWoot! 2011, with 1233 votes!

Guys, guys, let’s look at this rationally. We made the right decision. You’re still thinking with the emotional brain. Let’s break this down, okay? Then you’ll see we’re not to blame.

One, the guy’s much faster than that shambling flashmob. If he isn’t a good sixty feet in front of them by now, he’s just not trying. Two, he’s able to make sharp turns and snap decisions. Ever seen a zombie cut corners at full speed? And that’s not even including things like doorknobs and elevators, which is point three. My man was the KING of Elevator Action back in the day. And I saw him finish Burgertime on a single quarter! No way he’s gonna die if he makes it into a skyscraper.

Point four, and this may be controversial, but it’s worth being said: he was kind of a jerk. I didn’t want to say anything, but a few days ago I caught him going through my wallet. And remember that time he didn’t want to help get water? Something about a broken leg? Because it was only a half mile walk, you know. Orphans used to do that, back in the industrial age.

Look, regardless, what’s done is done. But don’t you worry, because I’m sure any day now, he’s gonna come popping over that hill, his smiling face… hey, look, there he is! See? I told you it was going to be all right. He’s slowly walking towards us right now, and soon, we’ll all be together again.

Say, was his face always that shade of green? Maybe we should think about moving camp. Why don’t one of you go off in that direction while the rest of us… what do you mean, “new plan this time”? I always make the plans! You guys are so unfair.

Wear this shirt: while running. It’ll help you justify it to yourself.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you’re a zombie. Your friends might recognize it and then they’d feel bad. The polite zombie changes his clothes as he loses his humanity, so that no one will recognize him as he devours their brains.

This shirt tells the world: “I don’t have to outrun the zombies. I only have to outrun you.”

We call this color: Someone’s Future Looks A Bit Black

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