Advice For The Glucose Impaired
Happy Hallowoot! Watch for our freshly-carved pumpkin badge on special seasonal shirts!
There’s no candy quite like candy corn, is there? Chocolate bars, peppermints, even those terrible sour ten cent peanut butter things, none of them have the lure of candy corn. And why? What’s the magic that makes us try a bite every year?
It’s because we forget, because that’s how our brains our made. Each year, the candy corn shows up, and we think “Oh! It’s been so long!” and we buy a bag and take and bite and think “Oh! I forgot how horrible it is!” and then we throw the rest of it out and over the next 364 days some new information comes in and overwrites the old. The names of the latest Transformers? Your own personal ranking of the best Adventure Time episodes? 4th edition spell tables? BOOM! Goodbye, the taste of candy corn. See you next year, when we go through the whole routine again.
So instead of this endless loop, consider breaking the chain of pain and using that candy corn for good. Let this shirt hang in your closet as a reminder: candy corn is an excellent tool that can help humanity… as long as you don’t actually plan to eat it.
Sort of like plutonium, really.
Wear this shirt: around the children of your over-protective family members, and watch them freak out. “That has a picture of candy corn in an ear and a nose! That shirt’s very dangerous! I don’t want that in my house!” Doesn’t ever stop being funny.
Don’t wear this shirt: if you actually plan to hide the good candy under your loose candy corn. It’ll give the plan away. Unless… have you ever heard of a double bluff?
This shirt tells the world: “Why ISN’T there candy cornbread? Oh, right, because it would suck.”
We call this color: Silver Bullets Still Aren’t As Hard As Stale Candy Corn
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