3rd place in Derby #95: Pointillism, with 790 votes!
Have you ever wondered where the “girls have cooties” story began? Well, it all goes back to ancient Greece. A young lady named Pandora was sent to earth by an angry jerkface Zeus, and brought plagues and torments to everyone. Of course, everyone would be talking about a day like that.
But a few months later, on the tablets that made up the Greek Internet, there were some conspiracy theorists talking about false flags and the mysterious coincidence that everyone involved was somehow related. And now the story was that it was just a virus that was released to cause a panic.
By the time British archeologists began to steal everything in site, the story was about a bunch of superstitious shepherds who caught a cold and blamed some woman. The archeologist’s children began to reenact the event on the playground. And that set the stage for World War One, where the story was learned by American troops who taught it to their children.
And that’s why, today, all young men preparing for school are required to have a cootie shot.
Wear this shirt: because you’ve offended the gods. Don’t feel bad. Have you read about them? They’re worse than the cast of Gossip Girl. It’ll happen to everyone eventually. Just throw a bull in the fireplace and move on.
Don’t wear this shirt: if you’ve given up hope. Hope’s still there. It’s stuffed in the corner where you can’t see it. Like a pizza box in a dorm room of monsters. And maybe there’s a slice left inside for you!
This shirt tells the world: “BLARRRRRGH! Ha ha ha ha! Scared you, didn’t I?”
We call this color: Seems Like It Should Be On Olive To Be Historically Accurate, But It’s Cranberry. Please Don’t Send Us Death Threats.
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