Editors’ choice in Derby #152: De-evolution

Can’t you do something about it? I’m trying to fish for termites over here and these tall, bald freaks keep hooting and pressing their young up against the glass. Well it’s unsettling, is all.

I don’t hold it against them; after all, they’re just animals. Sure, they’re master builders with incredibly organized social hierarchies, but they don’t have that gleam in their eyes. They don’t have that spark of intelligence, that certain “Je ne sais quoi” that makes us chimp, you know?

Look at them. Wrapped up in synthetic fibers to cover their shame, dribbling ice cream on themselves, and each one assuring someone next to him that he has some insight into us. Did you hear that? The one with the socks pulled up to his knees just said we’re monkeys! MONKEYS, Phillip!

That’s it. I’m going to throw some poop at them.

Wear this shirt: To the zoo so you can show those damn dirty apes you’re on to them.

Don’t wear this shirt: A single DAY after the Anthropocene epoch. That’s so trashy!

This shirt tells the world: “Yes, I’m the sort of person who’s amused by monkeys with silly hats. But in this case it also happens to be social commentary.”

We call this color: Heathero graypiens

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