Ghosts aren’t real. Werewolves aren’t real. Vampires aren’t real. Witches aren’t real, no matter what those oddly-dressed ladies at the Pagan Picnic might tell you. The real menace of Halloween night? Candy. No, not because some lunatic is handing out Zagnuts full of razor blades. That was a fantasy, too. We mean regular old tooth-rotting, flab-generating candy. The only real monsters you’ll see on October 31 are little kids hepped up on too many bite-size cubes of high-fructose corn syrup. And the only thing your kids have to fear is candy itself.

And kidnappers, we guess. And getting hit by a car. And, depending on the weather, catching pneumonia. You know, maybe we’ll keep our kids in this year.

This shirt was designed by: MJ of Compete-Tee-Tion fame, our favorite t-shirt contest blogger. She also designed The Cake is a Liar, which debuted on November 3, 2007 and remains for sale. Unfortunately, the shirt that debuted the day before is also still for sale, making MJ’s design the second longest-running shirt in Shirt.Woot history. We’d link to that one, too, but this is MJ’s time to shine.

Wear this shirt: to your work Halloween party, if you work in a dentist’s office.

Don’t wear this shirt: to your work Halloween party, if you work at a candy company.

This shirt tells the world: “Did you just get back from church? No? Then why are your teeth so holey? Haw haw!”

We call this color: Kavitelly Green.

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